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why do i gain stalkers everywhere i go.
probably best you know know i carry 24/7 and bet. it's on you if you pop up. thanks to all my non-psychotic followers. love you the most.
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I'm still working but in the privacy of a small town. The bus is has been emptied for new renovations and I'm happy.
I think I am getting an art studio in one of my favorite places. I am soooo excited. Updates soon. Please contact me through my "contact" button if you would like to come to the open house in New England (MA).
There are so many variables and right now I am just focusing on what my best bet is.
I just added a whole bunch more art to my merch site. Like the lady at the never-ending yard sale told me, 'if you can't find something then there's something wrong with you.' Links on Paintings page.
Okay are you guys ready for this, because I don't know if I am.
Going down the rabbit hole of the plan for all of humanity has not left me well. I have so many plans and exciting things in life I would like to try, do, accomplish. And I am not going to receive that injection, even if it means me being in jail. Fine, I will try, do, and accomplish what I can in there within my own free will and free as possible within my own nervous system. I have my own sweet van man!
I am all happy and excited to turn it into a studio. I am building a couch platform today and will have storage for paints and canvases to go out and paint in beautiful nature without feeling too rustic while doing so. Pictures coming soon, probably. I can't go through anything worse than I already have, and at least I know to stay away from monsters.
Yesterday I spoke some words that I hadn’t in a very long time to a new friend. Maybe some of you know already that several years ago I was struck hard by a car and went over it. The driver was my ex- who was not invited to my street. An hour later after speaking about it for the first time in a long time, I was alone and it felt like my whole body was “free falling.” the physical sensation was the feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the night but it was constant. I became aware of the impact like I never had before. I realized that at least a portion of my spirit was killed that night (I was never the same). Even though I was depressed and nearly mute for months, I had never seen how strongly it affected my trust, happiness, and psychological ability to do many “normal” things. For awhile I was SO different and to this day I am different.
It seems like really putting something into motion to gain closure could come out as something positive, like utilizing the pain to create something to share and be seen with. Kind of like I do with my painting. But it is also a fine line between running from and utilizing pain and I’m willing to be as patient as I need to be with it to start moving forward in a new way. And now, even with all of this I have already accomplished more that I am proud of than I could have ever imagined I would. I'm not grateful or thankful it happened to me but I'm happy to be where I am now and I'm done pretending. I left my computer at the Indian lunch buffet yesterday. It was there when I went back.
Yesterday I talked to an old friend. I miss him and I miss the life I used to have, I don't mean a romantic partnership. I don't have one of those right now and I don't want one. But I want to feel comfortable and safe, like I have what I need and I will keep having what I need, like the life I had when we used to be friends. I am happy that I don't have an apartment payment or any bills but I also don't have a place. It's not a big deal to me, I have enough cash to where I could get a hotel or even put money down on an apartment. But there is nothing worth where I am right now. I'd rather be in the mountains or out west. I can make money where I am and I think I'll stay patient. |
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August 2022
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