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I can't go through anything worse than I already have, and at least I know to stay away from monsters.
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Yesterday I spoke some words that I hadn’t in a very long time to a new friend. Maybe some of you know already that several years ago I was struck hard by a car and went over it. The driver was my ex- who was not invited to my street. An hour later after speaking about it for the first time in a long time, I was alone and it felt like my whole body was “free falling.” the physical sensation was the feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the night but it was constant. I became aware of the impact like I never had before. I realized that at least a portion of my spirit was killed that night (I was never the same). Even though I was depressed and nearly mute for months, I had never seen how strongly it affected my trust, happiness, and psychological ability to do many “normal” things. For awhile I was SO different and to this day I am different.
It seems like really putting something into motion to gain closure could come out as something positive, like utilizing the pain to create something to share and be seen with. Kind of like I do with my painting. But it is also a fine line between running from and utilizing pain and I’m willing to be as patient as I need to be with it to start moving forward in a new way. And now, even with all of this I have already accomplished more that I am proud of than I could have ever imagined I would. I'm not grateful or thankful it happened to me but I'm happy to be where I am now and I'm done pretending. I left my computer at the Indian lunch buffet yesterday. It was there when I went back.
Yesterday I talked to an old friend. I miss him and I miss the life I used to have, I don't mean a romantic partnership. I don't have one of those right now and I don't want one. But I want to feel comfortable and safe, like I have what I need and I will keep having what I need, like the life I had when we used to be friends. I am happy that I don't have an apartment payment or any bills but I also don't have a place. It's not a big deal to me, I have enough cash to where I could get a hotel or even put money down on an apartment. But there is nothing worth where I am right now. I'd rather be in the mountains or out west. I can make money where I am and I think I'll stay patient. |
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