The sh*tty awakening

Yesterday I spoke some words that I hadn’t in a very long time to a new friend. Maybe some of you know already that several years ago I was struck hard by a car and went over it. The driver was my ex- who was not invited to my street. An hour later after speaking about it for the first time in a long time, I was alone and it felt like my whole body was “free falling.” the physical sensation was the feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the night but it was constant. I became aware of the impact like I never had before. I realized that at least a portion of my spirit was killed that night (I was never the same). Even though I was depressed and nearly mute for months, I had never seen how strongly it affected my trust, happiness, and psychological ability to do many “normal” things. For awhile I was SO different and to this day I am different.

It seems like really putting something into motion to gain closure could come out as something positive, like utilizing the pain to create something to share and be seen with. Kind of like I do with my painting. But it is also a fine line between running from and utilizing pain and I’m willing to be as patient as I need to be with it to start moving forward in a new way. 

And now, even with all of this I have already accomplished more that I am proud of than I could have ever imagined I would. I'm not grateful or thankful it happened to me but I'm happy to be where I am now and I'm done pretending.